What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize