downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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