I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
