Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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