I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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