You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He felt like a one man threesome
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
