i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
