i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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