dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
