He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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