I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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