So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
