God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
