it hurts more in the daytime
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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