i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
