I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
