she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
