how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
