she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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