Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
