She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
