I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
