I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
