The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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