I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
