I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
