He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
