theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
