I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
