there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
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whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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