I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
