I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My ass is underappreciated
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
