Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
