Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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