She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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