he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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