So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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