While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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