I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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