I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
