my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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