Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
