my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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