was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So vagazzling was a success
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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