Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Someone came in the potted fern
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
