my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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