I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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