Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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