woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
