I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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