Your face is a jimmy john
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
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