Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
