We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
