I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
