She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
