You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
