Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
