Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
